March – Circle of Hope Meeting Dates
Syracuse Circle of Hope
Wednesday, March 12th 2008 6:00-7:30 PM
Guest Speaker: Meg Marnell, R.N., F.N.P., Family Nurse Practitioner.
Meg will be focusing on the diagnosis of polycystic ovarian dysfunction. She will give an overview on the treatment and touch on nutrition as it applies to PCOS.
Albany Circle of Hope
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 7:00-8:30 PM
Join this peer support group for current and former patients of CNY Fertility who are experiencing difficulties coping with the realities of infertility, treatments, and pregnancy loss. This autonomous group was created by former patients and is a forum to ask questions about treatments, discuss how best to cope with the emotional aspects of infertility, and to learn about different paths to parenthood from others experiencing the same issues.
Free Class Pass
February 27, 2008 by admin
Filed under Uncategorized
Change in class schedule beginning Tuesday February 26th 2008
We’ve changed our fertility yoga class to gentle yoga. This class is still ideal for women trying to conceive, women who are pregnant, and new yoga students. The class will be taught by Susan Hurlburt and will run from 5:30 until 6:45 on Tuesday’s.
Our belly dancing class with Jennifer will start at 7PM instead of 6:45 on Wednesday’s.
CNY Healing Arts February E-Newsletter
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CNY Fertility Center | 191 Intrepid Lane | Syracuse | NY | 13205 |
Coping as a Couple
Coping as a Couple
By Meg Sullivan MA, LMSW
Well-being, a state of natural inner balance and self-worth, is deeply challenged by the negative emotions we experience while trying to get pregnant without success. It is virtually impossible to separate the physical issues of infertility from the emotional and spiritual processes that go with it.
While each partner may be struggling with feelings of powerlessness, anger, doubt and frustration, how we experience these and perceive solutions can differ widely by gender.
Consider that there are three factors in this equation: both partners and the relationship itself. While each partner may be independently dealing with the stress of infertility, the relationship itself may suffer and communication can begin breaking down. Many couples have developed effective ways to deal with the differences of daily life, and yet do not understand their partner’s deep emotion when faced with profound loss, frustration, and invasive medical procedures.
One way to increase understanding is the practice of “pivoting”. This is a process of realigning perceptions and transforming bad feelings to feeling good. This is a way of consistently choosing what feels good. This ability will continuously strengthen, and the habit of harboring negative feelings will lose its stronghold.
Primary to the experience of many men, is struggling with how deeply upset their partner is. What they wish for most can be “a return to normal”: daily routines, sexual relations, and a partner who can relax and feel good about herself again. The process of “pivoting” involves sitting down and writing a list of 5 items of what “normal” would look like. This way, focus is shifted to what is wanted and how to begin taking action on those items.
While very basic, this shift from the unwanted to the wanted will help to design and bring forth what is longed for in your lives together. If you are unsure of what to put on the list, simply beginning each sentence with “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” and fill in the blanks.
Building positive well-being can also be done in segments by women. Research has indicated that most women internalize a sense of failure and self-blame at a higher rate than men. Pivoting from this profound state of despair can also begin with a list. Stop and say to yourself “I want to feel good.” When looking at an issue in life what are we giving our attention to? What is wanted – or the absence of what is wanted? It is also very important to bear in mind as you sit with pencil and paper to be clear about your desires… are they yours, or that of your partner?
Underscoring this exercise in pivoting is the dimension of energy. If we are constantly focused on the absence of that we want- that is where our energy is directed. Making conscious choices, whenever and wherever needed keeps our energy on course with what it is we desire. Segment by segment and day by day you will individually create a stronger alignment between your desires and your energies.
As a couple it is important to share your lists with each other, as well as your experience with pivoting. Create an atmosphere of intimacy with candlelight and meditation music and make a list together – funding the energy and direction of your relationship. This way you will capture the delicious feeling that your relationship is greater than the sum of its parts and create a new wisdom in your patterns of relating.
Week 5: When the Holidays are not so happy
When the Holidays are not so Happy
By Meg Sullivan, MA, LMSW
Whether you are riding the emotional and physical roller coaster of infertility procedures or coping with a miscarriage or stillborn pregnancy, the expectations of family gatherings or social gatherings where children or pregnant women are attending can seem like a burden. A major mental health stressor arises when we feel out of sync with the emotions of others. It is particularly difficult to grieve during a time of family gatherings; a media blitz full of jolly, joyful people, and the added tasks and responsibilities of gift-giving. A particularly difficult emotion to handle during religious festivities is anger-anger at self, circumstances, life, spouse and God.
There are ways to get through this-choice, communication, planning, and privacy.<p>
Cindy Squillace, Regional Coordinator for the NYS Center for Sudden Infant Death advises, “First and foremost, do not put expectations on yourself. Come up with a plan and leave lots of room for flexibility. If there are offers from others of help-take them up on it. Allow this holiday to be different. Choose not to compare yourself with others-no two people create holidays the same way. Allow yourself to make choices.” Ms. Squillace also reminds us how good we feel when we help others. “Allowing others to give to you-especially during a time of loss-is a gift to them”.
When you are making choices about activities during this season you may wish to consider the question “Will it be the holidays without it?” Feel free to make choices about traditions and obligations and to create new rituals, forms of gift giving, and creating mementos. Listening and heeding to your feelings, intuition, and energy level and being flexible with your plans and obligations can and will make all the difference in the weeks ahead.
The following is a list of “Holiday Jobs” compiled by Marion McNurlen, LICSW, which lends structure to this “choice”‘ part of the process. A factor to consider is that other members of your family may have feelings about the holidays that differ from yours and this provides a scheme to communicate effectively and clearly. Take the time and fix a pot of tea and take the list to the table or couch and sound each other out. You will soon feel a sense of control and teamwork as you make the needed changes to your traditions.
Once again we underscore the need for flexibility as you may need time to experience feelings that are triggered at parties, while shopping, or images from the media. Be very patient with yourself, especially if you are finding very little joy at this time. I’ve also included the concept of privacy in this article to highlight the need to leave room for your feelings, to rely on those you can trust, and to journal your experiences. Giving yourself permission to say “No”, to rest, and set boundaries and build in quiet time is key here.
For those who are struggling at an existential level with God, feel free to air your grievances with pen in hand, and/or a trusted counselor or clergy. God can take it and can hear all of your pain. Give yourself permission to be angry. It’s a normal part of the process and your religious/spiritual beliefs are being transformed by these challenges. My mother suffered tremendous guilt for decades about her first stillborn and after a few conversations with a very understanding priest, she made peace with this experience. The challenges to her faith developed into a crucible for creating what she truly believed. Declare your anger; otherwise its tremendous emotional energy will overtake you. Understand it by taking a clear look at what prompted it. Understand what is so. This gives us the opportunity to stop and decide how we wish to respond not only to our own feelings and to the triggering situations as well. Finally, work it out of your system with something physical, or a creative activity, reading a good novel, or writing letters you don’t send. Some signs of repressed anger are compulsive behaviors with caffeine, alcohol, or work. Next time your anger spikes do not be concerned about the fact that you are angry, lend focus to the fact that you are managing your anger towards constructive understanding and actions.
Closing with a poem from “Bereavement Magazine” which puts this difficult issue into perspective:
Don’t tell me that you understand,
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don’t come at me with answers
That only comes from me,
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.
Don’t stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don’t tell me how to suffer,
And don’t tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see.
But I need you, and I need your love,
Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, “My friend, I care.”
Week 4: The Spiritual Wound of Infertility
The Spiritual Wound of Infertility
By Meg Sullivan, MA, LMSW
While dealing with infertility have you ever found yourself vulnerable to such thoughts as:
- “God is punishing me.”
- “How can God let this happen?”
- “So many people who don’t even want kids get pregnant so easily!”
- “My whole family has been praying so hard…and our prayers are unanswered.”
Our faith and spirituality can become very fragile when tested by birth and pregnancy announcements at work, home, or church. Many people feel the need to protect themselves from friends and relatives, especially during the holidays. Platitudes and opinions, or innocent spontaneous questions about when you plan to have children, can ruin the happiest of family functions for someone dealing with infertility and miscarriage.
The mental and emotional stresses of infertility and miscarriage can affect all of our relationships: with self, with others, and with God. In previous articles we have covered coping tips for self well-being and for our relationships with spouse, family and friends. Today, let’s broach the subject of your faith, spirituality, and your relationship with the creator of your belief. Please feel free to substitute your words in place of God, as the focus of this article is not theological. Rather, this article explores suggestions for productive introspection that will strengthen your inner being. Feel free to use such concepts as “All That Is” or “Source energy” if that feels better to you. This subject is important, as research has indicated that people who maintain a sense of faith in their God handle the stresses of infertility treatments with less wear and tear. Our spirituality is one of our greatest resources in times of loss, uncertainty and bereavement.
One self-concept that unravels us from within is the “damaged goods” syndrome. The diagnosis of infertility, while a medical condition, may not provide any explanation as to “why” this is happening to you. It is only human to take this out of medical context and internalize it as a psychological and spiritual issue. While the intensity of internalizing this deep personal sense of inadequacy differs from individual to individual and across genders, it usually rears its ugly head at some point during treatment. As many of you already know, the psychological strain of infertility is likened, in intensity, to living with cancer. Many people facing their mortality undergo some kind of spiritual overhaul. It is possible that the same is true for people struggling to accept an infertility diagnosis – many feel lost, alone, isolated, and ashamed. It is all part of the process, however, and to connect with those who truly understand and care about you is a constructive response to these feelings. I have chosen the term spiritual wound for a reason. Many feel that they have been taken unaware, and attacked at the very core of their being when told they are infertile or experiencing a miscarriage. While we can often accept physical wounds, many people underestimate the depth of the wound to their psyche. Below is a 4-step process to serve as a guideline for healing the spiritual wound. Initially you may not notice it working. It is human to be blind to such gradual developments; however, those who are close to you will feel your shift into healing. Similar to a physical injury, spiritual healing takes time and often leaves a scar. Your spiritual scar tissue will actually be stronger than before your injury.
- Admit The Wound. Take pen in hand and express all of your so-called “negative” feelings. Do not do these on the run; give yourself the gift of time and space to identify how you feel victimized by this situation. Expletives are not deleted-they are encouraged! Once you have vented on the page, compose an angry letter to God. If you do not know where to begin, recall the old adage, “God never gives us more than we can handle”. There may be times when you strongly disagree with this statement. Write about those times. God can handle your feelings, you need not hide them.
- Consider that your misfortune did not come from God and was not part of a “Plan.” Many theologians and philosophers put forth that we are beings with a free will, living in a world containing natural laws, which connect with every aspect of our lives. Factor in the existence of chaos, and witness the actual complexity of what we call misfortune and tragedy. Popularized notions of “karma” sting with implications that you have somehow created this tragic situation for yourself. What is more empowering at this moment is to open up, even briefly, to the thought that benign forces converged in such a way as to create this medical situation in your life. Further consider that the creator of your belief is present, mourning with you, and offering you solace and support at all times. In short, God is not the creator of the problem, but is part of the solution.
- Clean the Wound. Just as an antiseptic hurts when you spray it on your open cut, this part of your healing process will hurt when applied. The sting may be strong, but it will subside quickly. This will not make the matter worse. On paper, make 4 columns from the top of the page. Column 1: indicate “Fears, Complaints, and Concerns”, Column 2: “I am statements”, Column.
- “Distinguish as Fact, Interpretation, or Judgment”, and lastly, Column 4 “Is this Empowering, Yes or No?” Under the first column list two items in each category. In Column 2 fill in 6 “I am statements” that relate to what you have indicated in the first Column. For example, you may indicate that you fear that you will never get pregnant and correspondingly in the next column you write, “I am such a loser”. Once you have filled in your 6 statements, move to the next column and reflect on whether this “I am” statement is fact, interpretation, or judgment. And finally, indicate if any of these items are empowering to you at the moment.
Most of us end up with a column of “no’s” in the last category. Reflect on how your negative self-concept shapes your perception of yourself as victimized and powerless. It is useful to see that God has not created this state of being-it is the result of how we react to our wounded ness. Now, turn the paper over and ask, “What will I bring into my life today?” and make a list of at least 6 items that light you up. Circle the one that makes you feel best right now and put it on a post-it. That reminder of your essence is useful as a band-aid, shielding you from unwanted, self-inflicted “germs”.Fears, Complaints and Concerns I am Fact, Interpretation or Judgment? Empowering?
Yes or NoI’m afraid that I will never get pregnant Such a loser Judgment No I’m afraid this will affect our marriage negatively A burden to my marriage Interpretation and Judgment No I feel like I’ve done something wrong to bring this on Damaged Goods Interpretation and Judgment No - Step Back and Leave it Alone. Engaging in uplifting activities and connecting with trusted loved ones will help you get out of the way of the natural powers of healing that you have tapped into. Time frames for healing differ for everyone; however, you may begin to feel more energy available for your relationships, work, and spirituality. I hope that you find these reflections and exercises helpful. There is no substitute for connecting with others who are going through, or have gone through, this experience. Many couples find compassion and solace in The Circle of Hope Support Group, and/or with a counselor or member of the clergy. There are times to honor your need for solitude and there are times for connection. I hope this article helps you to distinguish these needs and move on in strength.
Week 3: Comfort Drawer
Create a Comfort Drawer
This week you can create a comfort drawer. Inevitably in life there are situations where you are stretched to your limits of coping, feel overwhelmed, and are drained of the ability to provide yourself with comforts derived from within. A comfort drawer is a physical entity that you can retreat to when you are feeling this lack of balance. The contents should help you to refocus, re-energize and refill the void which the stress has depleted.
Meg Sullivan, a social worker and energy healer who has done many mind-body-spirit in-services for staff and patients of CNY Fertility offers a great analogy for the use of this exercise. “Think of your spirit and ability to cope as a savings account. You can’t keep making endless withdrawals on this account without making deposits. To maintain a healthy balance you need to nurture and give back to yourself by taking time to be surrounded by things and experiences, which light you up. Dealing with the stressors that you confront will seem less daunting if you aren’t always running into an overdraft.”
Here are some suggestions as to what you can include in this drawer. There are no limits to what you can include – if you like it and it helps you to relax and re-energize then include it!
- An array of pictures of loved ones during special occasions
- A CD with your favorite music on it
- A special card, poem or letter that makes you smile
- A candle with your favorite scent
- Bath salts for a calming and restoring soak
- Your favorite tea
- Chocolate or your comfort food
- A favorite book, spiritual passage or leisure reading
- A journal for you to get your feelings out on paper
Week 3: Tips for Coping
Ten Tips for Coping with the Fertility Process
by Meg Sullivan, MA, MSW
Psychotherapist, Natural Healer
What in many peoples’ minds is a very private matter-conceiving a baby-becomes public domain when there are difficulties in this process. Doctors, nurses, counselors and technicians while there to help, are now privy to intimate matters involving your reproductive physiology, your sex life with your spouse/partner, and your feelings of vulnerability in what feels sometimes like a hit or miss process. Add possible feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and inadequacy to the mix and we have stress. Unfortunately this stress can be an obstacle not only to your personal happiness and fulfillment; it can make conception and a healthy first trimester more difficult.
To avoid stress-related maladies and complications act as if you are pregnant right now. Most women, once they realize they are pregnant begin eating right, putting their feet up, avoiding stressful situations and take naps. They reckon themselves as special, worthy of being taken care of, and deserving special treatment because they are bringing in a new life. Regardless of the means by which you bring a new member into your family in your own minds, you and your partner are “in the family way” now and can begin a new lifestyle based on self-care, greater mutual and self-respect, and healthier habits.
Ten Tips For Coping With Family Building
- Say “No” to what feels like too much. Begin to carve out what is unnecessary from your life. Evaluate things in terms of “is this supportive of us being pregnant?” Within a short period of time you will have carved out “re-group” time to spend relaxing, exercising, preparing fresh food, and connecting with supportive family members and friends.
- Explore books on sexuality that highlights intimacy, loving connections, and massage. Remember you wish to conceive your baby in an atmosphere of love and solidarity with each other. “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy” is an excellent primer on the Eastern practices of tantric sex. Exercises that build self-love, feelings of shared joy, and multi-dimensional channels of connecting can bring a whole new power to you as a sexual being. Linked to this site is www.conceivingconcepts.com where you can view and order a wide variety of fertility products ranging from books and CD’s in the subject areas listed here to fun fertility jewelry.
- Acquaint yourself with the benefits of simple breath work and meditation. Andrew Weil, M.D. has produced a CD set with instruction and benefits of breath work. Don’t wait for Lamaze classes to teach you how to breathe, focus and connect with your partner in a supportive way.
- Drink water and unsweetened cranberry juice. Adequate fluid will promote a healthier you. Dehydration can cause fatigue, headaches, and make you a grouch.
- If you are religious and or spiritual in your orientation to life remember the power of prayer as a source of connection with the Creator of your belief. You don’t have to do this alone; it’s not all up to you. Seek comfort, guidance, and support by lighting a white candle each day with your prayer. The white signifies the purity of your intention. Sometimes it’s the letting go involved in “Thy Will Be Done” that opens the floodgates.
- If the suggestions in #5 are not part of your lifestyle employ the art of creative visualization with the power of love in your intent. Light your candle, breathe slowly and evenly and create images and sensations of your pregnancy, invite your baby into your life, and visualize the bonds with you and your partner as loving and strong. Two excellent guides in the power of intention are: “Creative Visualization” by Shatki Gwain, and “The Circle” by Laura Day. Both are available in libraries and bookstores.
- Keep a journal. Most people balk at this suggestion and have a myriad of good reasons to not sit, reflect and write. Once you experience on a personal level the results that research has been saying all along; people that journal and walk each day overcome depression and lower their anxiety. These practices do have a stabilizing effect on mood and thoughts. Try them. You will, in the future, wish to journal your child’s development and can begin now.Once you begin having a clearer understanding of yourself and your needs and desires from these practices its important to communicate them.
- Prepare yourself for your appointments with your fertility team. They are devoted to your experience and will work more effectively with good communication. Mental health counseling can assist you and your partner in sorting through difficult emotions, dealing with pain and uncertainty, and creative problem solving. Group support and education is available at the center. Explore integrative medicine with acupuncture, massage, energy work, meditation and guided imagery. Call the office for referrals to qualified professionals and the Crossroads of Fertility support group.
- Make a circle and within it write the names of people who are your closest support in your process. Include medical professionals, family, friends, and clergy—people you can trust and who have positive empathy for what you and your spouse are going through. Outside the circle write the names of those you’d rather not discuss this with. In short, if there are people who stress you and who have made this their business-you have now made a boundary keeping them at a polite distance. This is a powerful exercise, its important tot shield yourself when preparing to be in the “family way”.
- In our community there are several practitioners who can teach meditation, yoga, soft martial arts, and qigong. All these traditions strengthen your mind-body-spirit connection and also have the added physiological benefits of fluid joints, greater balance, tone to skin and muscles, and greater mental focus. These are all key in preparing for, during and after pregnancy.
In a process that seems, in many ways, so out of your hands, you can see that there are several powerful things you can do to facilitate family building by easing stress. The main philosophy of CNY Fertility Center is the empowered patient process. Each and every one of these tips will empower you in the special challenges that lie ahead.
Week 1: Getting to know you
This is our first exercise in journaling – its purpose is two-fold. First to help your new friend get an idea of how infertility has been affecting you, and secondly, to encourage you to get your feelings down on paper – something you may have not done before with this topic.
Only share what you feel comfortable sharing, the beauty of this program and the friendship aspect is that more can always be shared as your bond grows. You may find that this exercise opens a ‘flood gate’ of words, thoughts and feelings. If you do not feel like sharing every detail of your struggle with your new friend quite yet – we encourage you to continue your journaling away from this forum and into a personal journal.
This journaling will also serve as a starting point for how you are feeling now, and something that you can look back on at the completion of the program to gain a sense of the changes that you may have undergone. When you are done, email your journaling to your friend along with anything else you’d like to include. Be sure that you have contacted the coordinator to set up a meeting date for you and your friend (unless you have other arrangements due to distance).
- List the top 10 adjectives that you think your closest friends and family would use to describe you.
- Give an overview of where you are in treatment, and how long you’ve been trying to conceive.
- What is the one feeling that you are experiencing most often right now? This can be a positive or negative feeling. Feel free to expand to your other feelings as well.
- How are your family and friends playing into how you are feeling?
- How is your spouse (if applicable) playing into how you are feeling?
- What is one thing you want to let your new friend know?
- List 3 things you are thankful for each day. Feel free to do this daily, changing your list daily.
